Merry Christmas! Hope your weekend is filled with family and love and the spirit of gratitude and Christ. With love, Jeremy*Leslie*Mckayla*Talmage*Kaitlyn
Friday, December 24, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Life is bitter sweet...
and I'm doing my best to enjoy the sweet now. Not every day is perfect and happy and normal, but the scale is tipping more in positive's favor. I'm still confused as to why it had to happen at all and why it had to happen now, but it did so I must carry on with life I guess. This carrying on thing after miscarriage is interesting though. After a death of a loved one we go through a mourning and grieving process which usually and hopefully ends with some closure. A viewing and funeral, lots of pictures and memories shared, things to look back on, a grave to visit. The loss of a tiny baby whom I never saw or knew outside the womb is different. The closure is different. I can mourn and grieve, but I have nothing to visit, nor any pictures to look back on. I hate the feeling of moving on like nothing ever happened, although I know it's ok not to think about the little one and the loss and the dreams gone for that baby all the time. But it makes me feel bad sometimes the idea of moving on and not thinking about it often at all. I hate that the last 11 weeks all of the sudden feel like they were a quick flash, yet I'm grateful for that at times too. Such a strange trying journey of feelings to go through.
I'm generally more happy now though, haven't cried in a few days. After the initial couple days, what made me cry most often was reading a new email or Facebook notification of a message a caring friend had sent. Even just a sentence or two. It made me cry because it reminded me of the loss, and it made me emotional because I have people out there who care enough to acknowledge that little life and the hardship I've gone through working through the loss of it. That's what it's all about for me and I'd think most mom's who've been through a loss, they/we just want the recognition that it was a life, there was love and hopes there, and that it hurts to lose them. One of the challenges along with this has been with my husband. Now don't get me wrong, he's let me talk a lot, he's just listened, and I really appreciate it. What's hard is when he just doesn't get it, feel the way I do. I acknowledge that he never saw me grow a big belly, didn't get to feel the baby kick, didn't get to see it. He didn't think of the baby every day as I who was carrying it did. I know that. It's just challenging to have him not completely understand what I'm going through, it's hard that this journey doesn't feel like ours as much as mine. But I thank him and love him. Thank you, thank you, thank you family, friends, neighbors, even just acquaintances. Your service, empathy and unfortunately sympathy (I wish so many didn't have to go through this) has been and is so very much appreciated. Every little bit of it. Taking one minute out of your day to text or email or FB or call, it means an awful lot to me.
Physically I'm doing ok. I'm going to put out details in not super gory form, but maybe enough you men may not want to read it and that's fine if you don't, fine if you do. I'm just warning you the rest of this paragraph does contain some details put out to maybe help someone else. I have it written in much greater detail privately. If you're going through something like this and would like to hear more details, just let me know. So saw the initial blood Sunday night, held out hope for Monday's appointment but a no go, no heartbeat :( Bleeding lighter than a period and no cramping through Wednesday. Thursday was awful. 4 good hours of really hard cramps, and a lot of blood and clots/tissue past (no nothing recognizable). I wanted a narcotic, the 800mg of Ibuprofen didn't cut it, but I got through it without dying :) Traumatic to see and feel what I did those 4 hours, but at least it gave some closure, there was no more doubt in my mind that we were done being pregnant. Layed down for a 25 minute nap and woke up feeling so strangely 100% normal. Normal energy, no cramping, not much bleeding. Very strange and lasted the night. Woke up Friday feeling like garbage. Cramping, tired, drained, bleeding more, just generally uncomfortable. Rested as much as I could. Saturday I woke up feeling better, took Talmage out shopping close by that late afternoon for 2-3 hours and had totally had it by the end. Back was on fire, cramping again, bleeding more, time to be home in bed which I did for the rest of the night. Sunday was a better day, although hard emotionally. Woke up feeling good today. Haven't cramped, but the bleeding did pick up and I'm passing stuff again, not as much as Thursday by any means, but enough to make me pay attention. I do hope this miscarriage completes itself at home, I do not want a D&C. I feel fine though, so just trying to keep up on the rest when I can and hydration. Blood pressure probably is a little low.
Oh and the things I've had to teach about over the last week. Had to explain the whole baby just didn't grow right and is back in heaven now, that the baby is/was very tiny (I gave them a grape size to think about which I think helped so they didn't think we had a full term baby, I also helped them see that my belly wasn't big, so the baby was very small) and that the baby has to come out and it's uncomfortable for mommy, like it when we had Kaitlyn (they were there by our choice). Oh yeah, I had to explain pads too....in a public restroom....as my sweet Kaity asked why I was wearing a diaper...awesome :)
So anyway, that's the update for now for anyone that was curious. Again, just wanted to emphasize how important all of your little thoughts and prayers for me have been. It's been a sad and sucky time this past week (sorry, those were the best words), but I'm starting to pull out of it some, and that's good.
I'm generally more happy now though, haven't cried in a few days. After the initial couple days, what made me cry most often was reading a new email or Facebook notification of a message a caring friend had sent. Even just a sentence or two. It made me cry because it reminded me of the loss, and it made me emotional because I have people out there who care enough to acknowledge that little life and the hardship I've gone through working through the loss of it. That's what it's all about for me and I'd think most mom's who've been through a loss, they/we just want the recognition that it was a life, there was love and hopes there, and that it hurts to lose them. One of the challenges along with this has been with my husband. Now don't get me wrong, he's let me talk a lot, he's just listened, and I really appreciate it. What's hard is when he just doesn't get it, feel the way I do. I acknowledge that he never saw me grow a big belly, didn't get to feel the baby kick, didn't get to see it. He didn't think of the baby every day as I who was carrying it did. I know that. It's just challenging to have him not completely understand what I'm going through, it's hard that this journey doesn't feel like ours as much as mine. But I thank him and love him. Thank you, thank you, thank you family, friends, neighbors, even just acquaintances. Your service, empathy and unfortunately sympathy (I wish so many didn't have to go through this) has been and is so very much appreciated. Every little bit of it. Taking one minute out of your day to text or email or FB or call, it means an awful lot to me.
Physically I'm doing ok. I'm going to put out details in not super gory form, but maybe enough you men may not want to read it and that's fine if you don't, fine if you do. I'm just warning you the rest of this paragraph does contain some details put out to maybe help someone else. I have it written in much greater detail privately. If you're going through something like this and would like to hear more details, just let me know. So saw the initial blood Sunday night, held out hope for Monday's appointment but a no go, no heartbeat :( Bleeding lighter than a period and no cramping through Wednesday. Thursday was awful. 4 good hours of really hard cramps, and a lot of blood and clots/tissue past (no nothing recognizable). I wanted a narcotic, the 800mg of Ibuprofen didn't cut it, but I got through it without dying :) Traumatic to see and feel what I did those 4 hours, but at least it gave some closure, there was no more doubt in my mind that we were done being pregnant. Layed down for a 25 minute nap and woke up feeling so strangely 100% normal. Normal energy, no cramping, not much bleeding. Very strange and lasted the night. Woke up Friday feeling like garbage. Cramping, tired, drained, bleeding more, just generally uncomfortable. Rested as much as I could. Saturday I woke up feeling better, took Talmage out shopping close by that late afternoon for 2-3 hours and had totally had it by the end. Back was on fire, cramping again, bleeding more, time to be home in bed which I did for the rest of the night. Sunday was a better day, although hard emotionally. Woke up feeling good today. Haven't cramped, but the bleeding did pick up and I'm passing stuff again, not as much as Thursday by any means, but enough to make me pay attention. I do hope this miscarriage completes itself at home, I do not want a D&C. I feel fine though, so just trying to keep up on the rest when I can and hydration. Blood pressure probably is a little low.
Oh and the things I've had to teach about over the last week. Had to explain the whole baby just didn't grow right and is back in heaven now, that the baby is/was very tiny (I gave them a grape size to think about which I think helped so they didn't think we had a full term baby, I also helped them see that my belly wasn't big, so the baby was very small) and that the baby has to come out and it's uncomfortable for mommy, like it when we had Kaitlyn (they were there by our choice). Oh yeah, I had to explain pads too....in a public restroom....as my sweet Kaity asked why I was wearing a diaper...awesome :)
So anyway, that's the update for now for anyone that was curious. Again, just wanted to emphasize how important all of your little thoughts and prayers for me have been. It's been a sad and sucky time this past week (sorry, those were the best words), but I'm starting to pull out of it some, and that's good.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
No lemonade
I've been waiting for yesterday and today for almost 2 months now. I was so excited to tell our kids and our family and our friends that we're expecting our 4th child! I was so excited to get to our first appointment and hear and see that baby I'd waited so long to announce, way longer than any of my other kids. Turns out though, that the only announcement I have to make is that we saw nothing yesterday, no heartbeat :(
I'm so sad. I'm so sad we won't bring that next child into our family now. It's petty, but I'm sad I won't get to use all the cute summer maternity clothes I've bought over the last couple months for this last pregnancy. I'm sad that the day I was going to make the announcement thing for my kids and another for our parents, I started bleeding. Boy seeing unexpected blood is so traumatic. I just bawled in Jeremy's arms. While I still held out some hope to go into our regularly scheduled 10 week appointment the next day (yeah, nice timing eh?), nothing. We searched and searched with the ultrasound and doppler for maybe 30 minutes and just couldn't find what we were so hopefully looking for. I'm so sad we won't get to bring a baby home in early July and have 2 months where Mckayla and Talmage could enjoy their new sister or brother before going to school all day.
I'm mad. I'm mad it happened when it did. I've had 3 miscarriages before this one. All three were 5 years and 2 kids ago and much earlier than this one, I thought this was behind us. I'll just say it, it's a lot harder to have a miscarriage at 10 weeks when you've invested time and thoughts and hopes and plans into a baby for almost two months then it is to have it happen a week or two after a pregnancy test. Crazy how much really gets invested in a short amount of time. I can't imagine even later losses. Don't get me wrong, those early losses were very difficult, but this one just sucks! I WAS GOING TO TELL EVERYONE YESTERDAY AND TODAY and now? I have no good news. I never got to announce this baby. Sure I'm alive and healthy and strong, and of course I'm grateful for that, but right now, I don't care. I just want my hopes and plans and my July baby back.
I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm disappointed, I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm sad, so sad. For myself, for my family, for my kids, for this baby. We waited a long time (for us) to have another and I was just so excited at the timing. It even worked well with my racing. I was so excited! I just have no idea where to go from here. Do we try again? I don't really suspect we'd have a problem in the future, but then again I never suspected we'd have a problem this time. Do we just call it good with the 3 beautiful healthy and perfect blessings of children we have now? I don't know. I want to feel some direction and I want it now, but I guess it will just take time. I should add that I am grateful for the kind words and deeds already given by people I've told, thank you. This is a hard time right now, but knowing people care and acknowledge a short life like this one and our hurt helps.
Why can't a positive pregnancy test (or 2 or 3) just mean you'll give birth to a healthy happy baby in about 9 months?? Why does there have to be adversity and a lack of all knowledge in this world? I'm grateful for the gospel and know Heavenly Father wouldn't do anything to hurt me or my family. I'm not doubting his plan or love, but I'm still mad and hurt and disappointed and very sad. I'm not a hero, I'm not going to tell you I'm just so grateful for everything and I know it all will work out and that I'm grateful for my trials. I have friends that are hero's to me, that have been so brave and strong with loss. I'm just not a hero right now. I'm not in the mood for lemonade right now, but maybe someday.
I'm so sad. I'm so sad we won't bring that next child into our family now. It's petty, but I'm sad I won't get to use all the cute summer maternity clothes I've bought over the last couple months for this last pregnancy. I'm sad that the day I was going to make the announcement thing for my kids and another for our parents, I started bleeding. Boy seeing unexpected blood is so traumatic. I just bawled in Jeremy's arms. While I still held out some hope to go into our regularly scheduled 10 week appointment the next day (yeah, nice timing eh?), nothing. We searched and searched with the ultrasound and doppler for maybe 30 minutes and just couldn't find what we were so hopefully looking for. I'm so sad we won't get to bring a baby home in early July and have 2 months where Mckayla and Talmage could enjoy their new sister or brother before going to school all day.
I'm mad. I'm mad it happened when it did. I've had 3 miscarriages before this one. All three were 5 years and 2 kids ago and much earlier than this one, I thought this was behind us. I'll just say it, it's a lot harder to have a miscarriage at 10 weeks when you've invested time and thoughts and hopes and plans into a baby for almost two months then it is to have it happen a week or two after a pregnancy test. Crazy how much really gets invested in a short amount of time. I can't imagine even later losses. Don't get me wrong, those early losses were very difficult, but this one just sucks! I WAS GOING TO TELL EVERYONE YESTERDAY AND TODAY and now? I have no good news. I never got to announce this baby. Sure I'm alive and healthy and strong, and of course I'm grateful for that, but right now, I don't care. I just want my hopes and plans and my July baby back.
I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm disappointed, I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm sad, so sad. For myself, for my family, for my kids, for this baby. We waited a long time (for us) to have another and I was just so excited at the timing. It even worked well with my racing. I was so excited! I just have no idea where to go from here. Do we try again? I don't really suspect we'd have a problem in the future, but then again I never suspected we'd have a problem this time. Do we just call it good with the 3 beautiful healthy and perfect blessings of children we have now? I don't know. I want to feel some direction and I want it now, but I guess it will just take time. I should add that I am grateful for the kind words and deeds already given by people I've told, thank you. This is a hard time right now, but knowing people care and acknowledge a short life like this one and our hurt helps.
Why can't a positive pregnancy test (or 2 or 3) just mean you'll give birth to a healthy happy baby in about 9 months?? Why does there have to be adversity and a lack of all knowledge in this world? I'm grateful for the gospel and know Heavenly Father wouldn't do anything to hurt me or my family. I'm not doubting his plan or love, but I'm still mad and hurt and disappointed and very sad. I'm not a hero, I'm not going to tell you I'm just so grateful for everything and I know it all will work out and that I'm grateful for my trials. I have friends that are hero's to me, that have been so brave and strong with loss. I'm just not a hero right now. I'm not in the mood for lemonade right now, but maybe someday.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
'The most wonderful time of the year'
I love Christmas time. We've had Christmas music on the radio since the day after Thanksgiving and I'm definately not tired of it. I love to hear the kids sing along to traditional songs they know. I love getting out the tree and even more love seeing the dim light it casts in the living room at night. We let the kids put all the ornaments on the tree this year. I haven't had the urge to have a fancy pretty well put together tree yet, and the kids enjoy getting the ornaments out and talking about them, so I think it's great to have our kids decorated mosh posh tree. I was worried about Kate redecorating it but we've been fine so far. Playing with the fancy fragile nativity sets has been more up her alley......
We had a Santa filled day yesterday starting with a ward breakfast. Amazing how nice regular old breakfast food can be when it's warm and not made by you :) The kids had a good time running around the gym with friends (another thing that baffles me, give a kid an open area and instant fun, you'd think we keep them locked in a closet), and were all good about Santa except our Kate who much prefers to keep her distance and wave.That afternoon we went down to Trolley Square for story time with Santa. A cute female elf read them 4 or 5 good Christmas stories while they sat and ate cookies and milk they were giving out. After that we walked a good half mile down to the Trax station and hopped off at Temple Square just in time to see the lights come on. Made our way through fairly quickly, caught the train again and ended back up at Trolley Square where are a 45 or so minute wait (thankfully inside with free hot chocolate, cider, and ice cream sandwhiches), we got to go on a free (notice a pattern here?) carriage ride!! Jer nor I have never been on these horse drawn carriages you see downtown so that was really fun to be able to go with the kids and see the lights around that area. Just a short 10-15 or so minute ride, but enough. It was so fun to see the kids across from us looking so entertained, calm, and grown up. Where have my babies gone?!
Hope your families are all enjoying the season as well!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)