No lemonade

I've been waiting for yesterday and today for almost 2 months now.  I was so excited to tell our kids and our family and our friends that we're expecting our 4th child!  I was so excited to get to our first appointment and hear and see that baby I'd waited so long to announce, way longer than any of my other kids.  Turns out though, that the only announcement I have to make is that we saw nothing yesterday, no heartbeat  :(  

I'm so sad.  I'm so sad we won't bring that next child into our family now.  It's petty, but I'm sad I won't get to use all the cute summer maternity clothes I've bought over the last couple months for this last pregnancy.  I'm sad that the day I was going to make the announcement thing for my kids and another for our parents, I started bleeding.  Boy seeing unexpected blood is so traumatic.  I just bawled in Jeremy's arms.  While I still held out some hope to go into our regularly scheduled 10 week appointment the next day (yeah, nice timing eh?), nothing.  We searched and searched with the ultrasound and doppler for maybe 30 minutes and just couldn't find what we were so hopefully looking for.  I'm so sad we won't get to bring a baby home in early July and have 2 months where Mckayla and Talmage could enjoy their new sister or brother before going to school all day.

I'm mad.  I'm mad it happened when it did.  I've had 3 miscarriages before this one.  All three were 5 years and 2 kids ago and much earlier than this one, I thought this was behind us.  I'll just say it, it's a lot harder to have a miscarriage at 10 weeks when you've invested time and thoughts and hopes and plans into a baby for almost two months then it is to have it happen a week or two after a pregnancy test.  Crazy how much really gets invested in a short amount of time.  I can't imagine even later losses.  Don't get me wrong, those early losses were very difficult, but this one just sucks!  I WAS GOING TO TELL EVERYONE YESTERDAY AND TODAY and now?  I have no good news.  I never got to announce this baby.  Sure I'm alive and healthy and strong, and of course I'm grateful for that, but right now, I don't care.  I just want my hopes and plans and my July baby back.

I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm disappointed, I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm sad, so sad.  For myself, for my family, for my kids, for this baby.  We waited a long time (for us) to have another and I was just so excited at the timing.  It even worked well with my racing.  I was so excited!  I just have no idea where to go from here.  Do we try again?  I don't really suspect we'd have a problem in the future, but then again I never suspected we'd have a problem this time.  Do we just call it good with the 3 beautiful healthy and perfect blessings of children we have now?  I don't know.  I want to feel some direction and I want it now, but I guess it will just take time.  I should add that I am grateful for the kind words and deeds already given by people I've told, thank you.   This is a hard time right now, but knowing people care and acknowledge a short life like this one and our hurt helps.

Why can't a positive pregnancy test (or 2 or 3) just mean you'll give birth to a healthy happy baby in about 9 months??  Why does there have to be adversity and a lack of all knowledge in this world?  I'm grateful for the gospel and know Heavenly Father wouldn't do anything to hurt me or my family.  I'm not doubting his plan or love, but I'm still mad and hurt and disappointed and very sad.  I'm not a hero, I'm not going to tell you I'm just so grateful for everything and I know it all will work out and that I'm grateful for my trials.  I have friends that are hero's to me, that have been so brave and strong with loss.  I'm just not a hero right now.  I'm not in the mood for lemonade right now, but maybe someday.