Oh boy what a roller coaster this last 3 weeks or so has been. First I go into labor while Jer is out of town and I'm 5 days too early to use the birth center. Got that calmed down. Then last Monday I go into labor again...for 8 hours...rush the family to pack their birth bags, send the kids to bed so I'm not a watched pot, and it all stops. Now here we are due in 5 days and while I thankfully still feel really pretty good physically except rolling this 20lb ball in front of me over in bed, I'm an emotional mess. It's probably just the stirring hormones prepping for labor and a new baby, but man, I don't usually cry like I can these days.
Yes sometimes I'm that whiny "when is it my turn?!?" pregnant lady, but then I freak out because the house doesn't feel clean enough, or I feel like my dear husband doesn't have a woman's mind to think of sweet things he could do for me now or post baby (which admittedly isn't even here yet).
But the feeling I've found interesting and frustrating at times is the urgency to get this baby here. No I haven't started induction methods besides eating a bit of salsa and sex (yes I said it, gasp!), but just really wanting this baby to get here. We are all so excited to meet this baby!! I'm excited to finally go into and stay in labor and realize the day is finally here. So excited to see whether it's a boy or girl, so excited to hold it and dress it and cradle it's sweet little head in my hand. I am so excited to let the kids hold this sweet baby (and choking up as I type that, they are so sweet about this baby).
But then part of me gets sad. Sad that I'm so anxious to get this pregnancy over with when it could very well be my very last time being pregnant. My last time to grow this cute but now awkwardly out there belly, to hear the nice and sometimes awkward comments, to feel the baby move in side of me, to have little hands on my belly wanting to feel it, to just have the kids so excited and involved in this pregnancy. It's really been like a first pregnancy for me in that regard, I just don't remember even Mckayla like this, the way even Kate is with this baby and I've loved it! I get anxious that things won't be the same for my 3 and me. We can go anywhere and everywhere. I don't have to hold anyone, bring anything, they're all so smart and imaginative and independent and I love doing so much with them. Yes I'll be able to do it with the baby, it will just be different for a while.
But then part of me gets sad. Sad that I'm so anxious to get this pregnancy over with when it could very well be my very last time being pregnant. My last time to grow this cute but now awkwardly out there belly, to hear the nice and sometimes awkward comments, to feel the baby move in side of me, to have little hands on my belly wanting to feel it, to just have the kids so excited and involved in this pregnancy. It's really been like a first pregnancy for me in that regard, I just don't remember even Mckayla like this, the way even Kate is with this baby and I've loved it! I get anxious that things won't be the same for my 3 and me. We can go anywhere and everywhere. I don't have to hold anyone, bring anything, they're all so smart and imaginative and independent and I love doing so much with them. Yes I'll be able to do it with the baby, it will just be different for a while.
Am I uncomfortable? Yes. Can I imagine going through the anguish that 1st trimesters are for us, me in particular? I'd like to never repeat that part. They are constant worry and fear and anxiety because of our 5 miscarriage history. I hate it. Can I imagine wanting to go through this LONG last month again? Not really. But I also can't imagine never doing all of this again. I'm not even 30! Sure it's been hard and of course I do it for the love of my sweet children and feel blessed to be able to. And I imagine 4 kids will be lovely and plenty for us. I just don't feel done done and can't imagine never doing this again.
Oh what a basket of emotions I am. I imagine I'll still mourn the loss of this pregnancy journey once little one comes and grows for the first few years, but I'm hoping most of these crazy feelings will just vanish once we meet this sweet little baby and life goes on as if we'd always had him or her - like it has with every sweet spirit we've welcomed.
2 comments:
Hey Les,
You are soo not alone in those feelings. With the way my husband has responded, our fourth is, in his mind, our last. But although I am well past thirty, and although we have plenty of costs and concerns with each pregnancy, I also don't feel done done. And I've met and held and enjoyed my sweet boy for six months now. It's such a hard thing to go through, especially when it is hard to have your life change from straightforward and independent to revolving, sort of, around a helpless infant again, and now having what is definitely considered to be a 'large' family. I don't have any comfort or answers, I guess, but I want you to know you are in our thoughts so much right now, and I hope everything works out well.
Thanks Sara!
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